I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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