I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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