if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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