quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
