Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
