He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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