hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
