I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
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I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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