i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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