You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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