I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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