the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
