who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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