it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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