I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
