we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
