i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
