I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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