dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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