something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
