I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
