Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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