i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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