So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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