A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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