i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
