ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
