today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You're like the curious george of whores
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick