I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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