she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
