I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
