I cockslap morals
barbara walters just said penis...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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