I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
