One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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