I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
