I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I puked a lego.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
