I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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