so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
