I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
