i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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