The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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