DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
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I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
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And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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