just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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