i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
