Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
