I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
