Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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