I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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