Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
