6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Damn victory sex feels great
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
