i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
