Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
