Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
