I CAN MOONWALK!
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
