Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
