So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
